FND Awareness Day UK | 25th March 2022 | Chloe’s Poem

FND does not define her, even on the days she feels it does.

Waking up exhausted struggling to walk as she grieves who the old her was.

It’s a constant battle between her body and brain, swallowing the pain.

As she tries to fight the feelings, but what makes it hard is not knowing how or if she can heal it.

A 20 year old girl just trying to find her way, with every single symptom being unpredictable, how can she be okay?

She’s been through many mental battles in the past, and fought those battles hard. Little did she know she was going to be dealt this card. 

The card with tics, seizures, frustration and fear, surely the light at the end of the tunnel is near? 

Our bodies are things we should control, but not hers, not always in-fact a lot of the time she’s fighting. Fighting for peace, quiet but when she holds it all in it becomes a riot. Spiraling out of control, she falls deeper into the hole, never understanding why she’s become this way.

Not everyday is the same, some days she can’t complain, but when nights end in tears as she lays there with her mind, it’s dark, unpleasant and she wishes she could rewind.

She moves in ways she doesn’t choose to. Eyes rolling, head jerking, fists punching, legs kicking, mouth speaking chest tightening as she loses all of her energy and her breath stops. At least that’s how it feels when she’s defeated. Now the symptoms have finished, until next time, maybe and hour, or not until tomorrow, but the constant doubt of when it will return, shadows her mind in sorrow.

She feels locked in a cage, never feeling safe, but for now she has to step forward and take each day as it comes, who knows where she’ll end up, as long as there’s no more drums. Because the drums are loud, deafening, not proud. They smash and they crash as the days become non existent and all that’s left is the aggressive emotions screaming so persistent. 

The painting is never perfect, there will always be messy parts, but what matters is that she stays true to herself within the heart. Even on the bad days, something inside her reminds her she’s stronger, stronger than she feels she is, she can carry on longer. 

FND, you do not define her or her worth, and as long as she walks on this earth, she will keep fighting back. 

©Chloe